“Surely parenting is instinctive, I’ll take my baby home from the hospital and I’ll just know what to do.”
— NO PARENT EVER!
Modern western society has a plethora of books and podcasts on how to parent at all stages of a child’s life. Before print and electronic media the cultural norm was for the elders, grandparents, and experienced parents (usually mothers) gathering around the first-time parents passing on learned, traditional and cultural parenting advice. While parenting seems to be instinctive for other species in the animal kingdom, it certainly doesn’t seem to be the case for humans. In all of this advice there must be a purpose to our parenting, but what is it? Some parents do choose the instinctive path and just figure it out as they go along, making decisions reactively rather than proactively. I wonder how many of them wish they had done things differently? I daresay most parents can articulate what they want for their kids and are purposefully parenting towards that goal, but what if it is the wrong goal? This blog aims to categorise different parenting philosophies (conscious or otherwise) and will attempt to outline what God wants our purpose to be.
First a couple of parenting philosophies with no purpose and some comments on their dangers.
Absent Parenting (No purpose, no motives)
This is a very hands-off approach to parenting that may be deliberate or just not considered. It could be that a parent is physically absent as a result of divorce, or work that takes him/her out of town for extended periods of time. S/he may live in the same house as the children but long days at the office means there is little time physically spent with the kids.
A physically present parent can still be emotionally or relationally absent, preferring to spend time pursuing their own hobbies and interests, leaving the kids to entertain themselves.
A parent can be physically and relationally engaged with their children (and many are, which is good), but a spiritually absent parent sees no purpose in being part of a church and no purpose in investing in any faith development of his/her kids. Sadly this is a very effective tool used by satan – he doesn’t need to convince people that God is a “a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.” as Richard Dawkins would want us to believe, he just needs people to grow up thinking God is irrelevant.
I’m sure you’ll agree this is not a parenting style God would want for His children.
Abusive Parenting (No purpose, bad/selfish motives)
Sadly this is the truth in far too many lives – physically, sexually and/or emotionally abused, or just down right neglected. These kids bear the brunt of a broken world caused by sin and are the ones whose situations sadden me the most. Particularly those never given the chance to draw breath.
God does not want this for any children.
Can God bring someone to faith in Jesus when there is a lack of purpose in the way they were raised? Of course He can, but there is a whole lot of pain and damage that needs to be addressed along to way too. Fortunately Jesus can bring healing in this creation as we wait for His return.
Most Christian parents will say they have a purpose in their parenting, and they are usually good things they want for their kids, but these good desires can seductively slip into…
Misguided Parenting (Wrong purpose, good motives)
Parenting that seeks good for children – success and happiness – are motivated by a love and care for their children but if this is all they are working towards then they are misguided in their purpose. Parenting that fits this category seeks to:
create any and every opportunity for success, whether in sport, music, dance, drama, culture, art, or having the best education and hence career,
provide tools for success and happiness; resilience, organisation, persistence, getting along with others, confidence,
put forth a veneer of being a ‘good’ person, focussing on integrity, trustworthiness, good morals (staying away from the ‘bad crowd’), teaching right and wrong, get a good job, choose a good spouse, stay out of jail and rehab, make wise choices; all with the goal of saving their kids (and themselves) from self-inflicted pain and hardship
The problem with raising good, successful, happy adults is they don’t need Jesus. Their ‘goodness’ only has value in this world, it cannot save them. When there are others things to trust in for their satisfaction and enjoyment then they are being robbed of true joy that comes from knowing Jesus.
“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good.“
MATT 19:16-17
Purposeful Parenting (God’s purpose, right motives)
Not only is having a purpose in parenting a good thing, I want to convince you that having God’s purpose with the right motives is the way we can be parenting our kids with a gospel mindset. At this point you might want to read through some previous thoughts I’ve blogged about in What does God want for His Children. Understanding this helps us determine what our purpose and motive ought to be as Christian parents. I encourage you to read these verses so you are convinced for yourself the following is gleaned from scripture:
(Deut 4:10, 6:4-9, 11:18-19, Josh 4:4-7, Ps 78:1-8, Prov 22:6, 9:10, Matt 19:13-15, Eph 6:1-4)
Our purpose as Christian parents is to be showing our kids:
to fear and revere the LORD;
the grace of Jesus through the cross, and
the hope we have in Jesus’ resurrection and return.
By show, this doesn’t just mean ‘there it is’. God’s desire, and so ours ought to be also, is for kids to stand in awe of who He is as creator and judge of the world, live lives that reflect an understanding of grace and hope, and for others to know this too.
At different stages, in different households, with different kids this will all look very different in practise, but I urge you to:
PRAY for your kids, that they would know their own sin, understand Jesus’ atonement for their sin, accept grace and live with hope.
TEACH your kids all about God the Father, Son and Spirit – get the bible out, read it with them, teach them about God’s big rescue plan that was always Jesus,
INSTRUCT your kids to identify sinful behaviours and attitudes and how to come to Jesus in repentance. This involves doing it with them, alongside them in day-to-day life.
MODEL a life of prayerfulness, being sanctified by the Spirit, trusting in His goodness in the way you spend your time, money, energy, resources.
Make it your purpose in parenting for your kids to know grace.
Make it your purpose in parenting for your kids to understand the gospel.
Make it your purpose in parenting they understand Jesus is God, they cannot change and save themselves, and to trust in Jesus death, resurrection and hope of His return.
Not for comfort’s sake, not for convenience’ sake, not for your reputation’s sake, not for your child’s sake, but for Christ’s sake, be purposeful in your parenting.
